Bidding Adieu to America’s Ass

Is it okay to publicly talk about this movie yet? Avengers: Endgame has been the best kept secret for well over a year. We didn’t even know the title until the first trailer was released. Frankly, we were all surprised that they could stitch together a trailer at all. It was so secret that the actors didn’t know who they were sharing scenes with and those privy to more than five pages of script took blood oaths to stay mute – so we know Tom Holland never saw a copy. And unbelievably, it worked. Everything past the first two minutes of Endgame is a spoiler yet by some miracle I walked into the theatre three days after opening night blissfully unspoiled. I even risked buying tickets to Captain Marvel the night before, running in and out of the cinema with my hands over my ears to avoid ricocheting Endgame reveals. I live a dangerous life.

With all of that said, if you haven’t seen Endgame WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS? I can’t write anything about this movie – actually anything – without giving away something huge. I’ve said too much already. However, if you’re cool with spoilers, then read on you titan of bravery.

Endgame picks up shortly after the devastating conclusion of Infinity War. Thanos (Josh Brolin), with all six infinity stones literally in hand, snapped his fingers and dusted away half of the universe’s population. Birds, bugs, Kree… gone. The first five minutes of Endgame reveal that Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) is perfectly fine but his entire family… not so much. Like everyone else, he doesn’t take Thanos’ “correction” very well. The remaining Avengers do what they can to pick up the pieces but it feels like all hope really is lost (for the record, Hope Van Dyne is also lost). Five years go by and some of our heroes keep going, others move on through therapy, and the rest adopt hobbies that will probably result in therapy. A glimmer of optimism arrives in the surprising form of Scott Lang (Paul Rudd) fresh from the quantum realm. Scott, who was apparently listening to the Van Dynes all along, believes that Thanos’ snap can be reversed by – you actually guessed it – time travel. Natasha (Scarlett Johansson) and Cap (Chris Evans) assemble all remaining Avengers and take a crack at it, targeting the known time and place of every infinity stone and diving back to collect them before Thanos. Hopefully this time, after our heroes snap their fingers, the Marvel Cinematic Universe will once again have a cast for Phase 4.

You have no hope of understanding Endgame without first watching Infinity War. You could probably squeeze through the previous Marvel movies, but this time is a severe exception. Infinity War is required viewing at the very least. Because I’m a huge nerd, I made sure to do my homework and watch all 21 prequels. I studied for this test and my efforts were rewarded. Half of Endgame takes place in the past, skipping back to The Avengers and the battle for New York, avoiding the Chitauri and casually mingling with Hydra. Other heroes head to Morag before Quill (Chris Pratt) and his Awesome Mix #1 dance their way through Guardians of the Galaxy. Thor (Chris Hemsworth) and Rocket (Bradley Cooper) target Asgard where Jane (Natalie Portman) was playing host to the Aether in The Dark World, while the remaining un-dusted Avengers split up to retrieve the soul stone. The split quests miraculously loop in every Marvel movie between 2008 and 2019, now known as the Infinity Saga. Our heroes confront their past mistakes but – in general – they turn away to avoid damaging the timeline. In many ways facing their past selves is hilarious, like when present Cap fights a freshly thawed Cap in his bootylicious uniform.

In many other ways, the journey is heart wrenching. If Endgame juggles one constant theme through its 3+ hours of runtime it is Loss. The Avengers are trying to bring back the masses of dead by revisiting other friends who died long ago. Remember, I did my homework, I was ready – or so I thought. Eventually I will recover from the father-son pep talk and the long-overdue mom hug, but first I need a long walk in the rain and a pint of ice cream. Thankfully I think my emotional recovery will be a bit easier than Thor’s, who lost everyone and everything before getting sucked into online gaming while his people struggle to repopulate Newfoundland.

Endgame is definitely a long movie but it never drags. It’s stuffed with memorable one-liners, touching handoffs, smooth moves, and moving reunions. There are some characters that we lose too soon, forcing me to reconsider my tissue supply. There are even some characters that we will never see again. We all knew it was coming. It had to happen eventually. The wrap-ups and farewells, for the most part, are sweet and meaningful. Peter Parker (Tom Holland), that precious little bean, breaks my heart with his well of emotions every single time. (BIG spoiler…) Tony’s goodbye is about as peaceful as it gets. (By the way, that random teenager at Stark’s funeral is Harley Keener [Ty Simpkins], the potato gun kid from Iron Man 3.) But what about Natasha? Where are her flowers floating on a silver lake?

Even with the rolling waves of reunions, separations, and consoling words of wisdom regularly breaking me into tears, the one moment that hit me the hardest was Carol Danvers (Brie Larson), facing an army all by herself – but wait. What’s this? One fierce woman after another jumps forward to help in the brightest show of female unity since Themyscira rocked our worlds. They just keep coming. Where has Marvel been hiding all of these fabulous women? This moment pushed me over the emotional edge. Maybe because the original Marvel Universe looked like a cockpit full of dudes while this, the future of Marvel, looks like a squad of badass ladies from every imaginable background defending each other like it’s the final episode of Sailor Moon. That scene was more hopeful and more inspiring than every Obama speech and novel put together.

As far as superhero movies go, it doesn’t get much better than this. Endgame concludes a plotline spanning 11 years, 22 movies, and more named cast members than the deceased list on Game of Thrones. It is graphically beautiful, sentimental, with an intricate plot and creative side quests, stuffed with those adorable in-between moments that make the theatre gasp and applaud. In the end, it does justice to our favourite characters. Endgame is a superhero movie in a league of its own and a high standard, 10/10, absolute win.

“We’re in the endgame now.”