Twilight

If you told me back in 2008 that this movie would rebound in popularity, I would have admitted myself to the nearest asylum. Twilight is, inarguably, one of the dumbest cinematic series ever made. It’s also, for exactly the same reasons, the guilty pleasure of an incalculable number of fully grown, mature adults. Why? Why indeed. It’s probably because the illusion wore off faster than the sequels could be released. We bought into the original hype but as the series progressed with heavier filters and skimpier plotlines, we realized the truth: these are not good movies, this is not a good story, and it’s the dumpster fire of relationship goals. But when a production company commits that hard to turn four books into five increasingly ridiculous movies, we have to respect the final set for what it is: a fun-to-make-fun-of cult classic for a generation of starry-eyed Millennials and the dazed/confused Gen-Z’s who followed.

All things considered, Bella (Kristen Stewart) is a good sport about moving from sunny Arizona to Forks, Washington in the completely unreasonable month of March, but then again, her personality is well suited to the dampest city in the Pacific North West. Given her mother’s extended travel plans, it makes sense for Bella to move in with her father, Charlie (Billy Burke), who graduated from introverted bachelor to underqualified father of a teenage girl overnight. Good luck, Charlie. Bella’s concerns about not fitting in at school are completely unfounded when every boy in Forks welcomes this plain sheet of white paper like she’s Sofia Vergara. She’s the most exotic outsider since the Cullen siblings moved in – but the Cullens are next level gorgeous, keep to themselves, have suspiciously similar golden eyes, avoid all food, and never wander into the sunlight. Imagine everyone’s surprise when Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) breaks away from his siblings and shows an interest in the intoxicating lettuce leaf that is Bella Swan. Eventually, curious and rather possessive incidents followed by countless dodged questions convince Bella that the mysterious, beautiful Cullens are hiding a dangerous secret.

THEY’RE VAMPIRES. Bella’s only excuse for not connecting the dots sooner is that, in real life, vampires don’t exist. Even so. When I see a spade, I call it a spade. The moment when Bella inadvisedly leads her stalker into the woods to privately confront him about his thirst for human blood is the moment that every Twilight newcomer cracks with an “Oooohhkay” and immediately stops taking this seriously.

“I know what you are.”

“Say it. OUT LOUD.”

How else would she say it, Edward? This poetic confessional is only matched by the way Edward yanks Bella deeper into the woods and reveals the horrific truth: he sparkles in the sunlight. AS IF that would scare her off. Girls LIKE shiny things, Edward. Yikes.

The story continues on the straight and narrow: Edward reveals his family history, other vampires pop out of the woodwork, and Bella faces near-certain death on a biweekly basis. What pushes Twilight over the edge into parody gold is how every department came together and unconsciously hammed up the details. Direction. Acting. Wardrobe. Lighting. Props. Just about every feature is either overdone, underdone, or cobbled together with inexperience. The only exception is Charlie who’s trying his very best.

To start with the obvious, every scene is blue. Forks is cold and damp, get it? GET IT? We get it. There’s ambiance and then there’s this Gatorade Instagram filter. Wading through the permanently dusky vibe are a cast who may or may not have been given a script. That, or they were told to ad lib whenever the mood struck, which translates to uncomfortable teenagers who forget how to be people and, in Bella’s case, lose their ability to form words mid-sentence. The level of effort is akin to a drama class skit where 50% is enough to pass and no one can justify aiming any higher.

But what irks me the very most, as a die-hard romantasy addict, is that I don’t believe them. Bella falls for Edward because he’s hot. Fine. Good luck with eternity, but fine. Edward, however, falls for Bella because she smells nice. I couldn’t make this nonsense up if I tried. He likes her scent, her fragility, and (I’m dumbing it down just a little) the hollow silence inside her head. She has no thoughts and he adores that about her. Arguably, Edward can’t be attracted to Bella’s personality because she doesn’t have one.  I guess they have that in common. Rock, meet Paper.

The best thing about Twilight is how seriously it takes itself. Once we acknowledge the sloppiness, it becomes one of the best marathons on rotation. No need to turn on the director’s commentary; you and the gang will be flinging enough notes at the screen on your own. It’s a laugh until you cry, snort until you choke, snicker until you cough kind of movie. Just keep in mind that Stewart and Pattinson’s successful careers came out the other side of this and let go of any hard feelings as you enjoy tearing this movie apart. Twilight is one of the most enjoyable 3/10’s on the market.

“Hold on tight, spider monkey.”