Welcome to the most forgettable of the Twilight movies. I’ve seen it a half dozen times and I still can’t really tell you what happens. Eclipse exists only to clean house and set up expectations for the grand finale. It’s the same story as New Moon except this time Edward (Robert Pattinson) shows up for work. Nothing has changed with Bella (Kristen Stewart) who, despite being left directionless and emotionally shattered in the middle of the woods, still thinks that an undead eternity with the boyfriend who abandoned her would be too brief. Ladies. I’m begging you. Do yoga. Read books (…better books). Buy a Cricut. Fill your life with something more than one man, especially the sexy bouquet of red flags that is Edward Cullen.
First, let me just revisit the trailer real quick to remember what happens in Eclipse…
Oh yes. We’re introduced to newborn 
vampires. Not as cute and toddling as they sound. Someone is creating an army of newborns intended to eliminate the Cullens. To stand a chance, Edward’s family must ally with their historical enemies, the werewolves. Jacob (Taylor Lautner), still shirtless and impressively toned, hates everything about this situation: new vampires, making friends with mortal enemies, and the fact that Bella consistently, unwaveringly, unadvisedly puts Edward first. Jacob, sweetheart, SHE DOESN’T LOVE YOU. Blatant facts don’t stop the boy from trying, however, and trying, and trying, right up to and well past the point when Bella and Edward get engaged. Eclipse brings back characters we had blissfully forgotten about, serves up backstories that we never asked for, and continues to force a love triangle that’s really more of a line with a little dot hovering relentlessly nearby.
Since we’ve already explored the full depth of Bella and Edward’s personal and romantic feelings, Eclipse pivots to the side characters. Jasper (Jackson Rathbone) became a vampire during the Civil War. Isn’t that neat. Leah Clearwater (Julia Jones) is the only female in an ever-growing pack of wolves. Sucks to be her. Eclipse delivers these snippets of backstory and side-story because the fridge magnets that are Bella and Edward don’t have enough profundity to carry the plot on their own.
Also making a cameo are the Volturi. This vampire governing body swooped in at the end of New Moon, shook some hands in the most intimate way, and parted with a threat that they might invite themselves over in the future. A spontaneous visit? The worst! Jane (Dakota Fanning) and her flunkies make the long trip to the Pacific Northwest to watch from the sidelines, colour contacts unblinking,
while the Cullen-werewolf alliance massacres a field of infants.
Most of which happens offscreen. When a story wants to keep a female protagonist safe, some hitch in the plan usually drops her back on the front lines. Usually. While the Cullens and wolves dismember their attackers, Bella, Edward, and Jacob huddle together on a mountainside and discuss their feelings. If there was any confusion over what Twilight is about, it’s clarified right here. No one cares how many vampires are decapitated and burned alive so long as Jacob and Edward get a chance to speak their truths while Bella “sleeps” soundly two inches away. Eclipse, like every other Twilight movie, is 100% about the love triangle and the rest is just offscreen context.
Edward and Bella get their own little moment of excitement when two vampires sneak away from the battle to sniff them out, but it has nothing to do with the love triangle so nobody cares. Other than driving the wedge between Edward, Bella, and Jacob a little deeper, Twilight: Eclipse is a throwaway. The good news is that the production departments have learned a skill or two. The colours are more vibrant, the wigs less artificial (for the most part), even the characters feel more organic than they did just two movies ago. Practice makes perfect – or at least better. Eclipse is the moment in your Twilight marathon when you can step away, order dinner, mix some drinks, and not worry too much about missing anything important. Focus on getting comfortable because we’re sprinting to the finish next. Twilight: Eclipse is a forgettable 3/10.
Plenty of Popcorn 