The last time we saw Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) she was at the romantic mercy of an apex predator. Now eighteen years old, it’s safe to say that our girl is older, not wiser, because she still falls hard for men who are more than likely to kill her. Twilight: New Moon brings us double the supernatural, double the angst, and a whole new meaning to the term “predatory behaviour.” Bella spends 90% of the film being stressed and depressed, making her that much more relatable to the average teen – which is probably one reason why these movies were so popular to begin with. Dear youths: Bella Swan is not “goals.” You must not “ship” these couples. Find yourself a dork named Roger and consider yourself lucky that his worst feature is a Lego collection.
If unconventional romances are your
reason for existing, however, then you’re in good company. Bella and vampire boyfriend, Edward (Robert Pattinson), are still obnoxiously in love, even though a general lack of personality is their only commonality. Since Bella is now an honorary member of the coven, Edward’s siblings throw her a birthday party to celebrate her incomparable dread of growing older. The party politely rages on until Bella suffers a papercut. Jasper (Jackson Rathbone) snaps and Edward, once again, feels terrible for serving his girlfriend up to a room full of blood-starved murderers. He feels so terrible, in fact, that Edward lures Bella to their usual, unadvisedly secluded spot in the woods and breaks up with her. HE DOES WHAT. Bella’s total sense of self crumbles away and she devotes the next three 
uninterrupted months to staring out a window. She eventually breaks her watch for two reasons. The first is Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) who has an outrageous glow up and spends the rest of the series shirtless regardless – nay, in spite – of the weather. The second reason is Bella’s discovery that if she risks her life, a smoky hallucination of Edward will materialize to tell her she’s a dumbass. Thus proceeds a movie held together by two features: one admirably cut physique and several attempted suicides.
In the first, unforgettable Twilight, the story of two young-ish lovers drawn together like gravity ended in an explosive battle and minor injuries. It was so exciting that New Moon still needs time to recover. New Moon puts romance and
excitement on the sidelines to explore two acquaintances becoming best friends. They bond, they fight, they whip slices of pizza at each other, and their relationship adjusts to a new normal when one becomes significantly hotter than the other and refuses to wear clothing.
That is the entire movie.
When it’s time to put something where a climax should be, New Moon sends Bella and her vampire not-quite-sister-in-law, Alice (Ashley Greene), on a whirlwind trip to Italy. Bella finds Edward, stops him from publicly exposing himself (their words, not mine), meets threateningly civil vampire royalty, and returns home, safe and intact, to an UNDERSTANDABLY furious father. I know Bella’s been through a lot, but Charlie (Billy Burke) doesn’t deserve any of the melodrama that his daughter throws his way. Let that man fish in peace.
New Moon is the slowest Twilight book by far and the movie doesn’t see a point in breaking tradition. The only plus is the addition of tanned and toned Jacob who literally steams up his scenes like burning coal in the rain. If New Moon is your introduction to Twilight – first of all, why? Why here, why now, why this one? And second, I’m going to clear up a lot of confusion for the greater good: Jacob is a werewolf, his classmates are also werewolves, they communicate telepathically which gets real awkward when one develops grownup feelings, and they hate vampires for no reason other than historical prejudice. Wolves: literally hot. Vampires: literally cold. Bella: stuck in a triangle and suicidally depressed.
You have to say this for the Twilight series: it was representing before representation was cool. Indigenous cast, disabled characters, single dads, and a female lead all in one lonely, damp, miserable town. New Moon unfolds with a series of mild misunderstandings and over-emotional teens overreacting at
every turn. A papercut causes Edward to abandon the love of his life. Bella jumps off a cliff for the sweet hallucinations that near-death brings. Jacob has an intense reaction to puberty and near-forces Bella to love him. The only reason you should be watching New Moon is because you’re knee-deep into a Twilight marathon and quitters never win. We started slipping downhill halfway through Twilight, but we’re well into avalanche territory now. Twilight: New Moon is a whole lot of nothing, and the guiltiest of guilty pleasures at 2/10.
Plenty of Popcorn 